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Your long hair is stupid.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I hate guys with long hair. They look ridiculous. Sometimes, when I see a guy with long hair, I think "is that a woman? Because if it is, she is not very pretty. Well, okay, she is sort of pretty, but in a rustic, carnival way. Oh, God! That's a man. I don't think he's pretty at all. Gross. I'm a dude! Okay, well, he is sort of pretty. In a rustic, carnival way."

It seems like having long hair is the "cool" thing to have. "Hey, check out that dude. His hair is long. He must be cool." Nope, that's Hilter in a wig. I bet you feel like a jerk now.

I get it. You think it's amazing to have long, flowing hair. You love that the ladies (or dudes, I don't care who you're with) can run their hands through your hair. You like that you can stick your head out of a moving car and feel mother nature slick back that mane of hair. But you are dumb. A stupid, pathetic excuse for a man.

Men are suppose to be rugged, mountainous in statue and strength and sensual and strong in their love making. They have short hair so their pussy enemies have nothing to grab on when fighting. They are aerodynamically more sound when they run due to a lack of drag that hair creates. Did Dale Earnhardt have long hair? Did Luke Skywalker have long hair? No and no.

In summary, cut your hair. You look stupid.

Sigh...

I can't keep doing this. It feels wrong. I feel dirty, flawed, immoral.

I want long hair. I yearn for it. I need it! But alas, I cannot have it. Some people blame genes, I blame God. It's not like he has bigger things to worry about other than keeping me from having long hair, right

Look at what I look like with semi-long hair:

That sucks! It's flipping in the back. It protrudes grease. Need a door to stop squeaking? Well have me rub my damn head on the joints.

I was literally having to wash it like four times a day. And it was still stringy and gross. Even my mom, who always supports me and has always said I was cute, said "You're fat. Oh, you mean what do I think of your hair? Oh, well that's gross."

So I had to cut it and accept the fate I was given: that of a guy who cannot grow long hair. I won't know the feelings you long-haired men get to experience. I'll never be able to have a ponytail or a sweet mullet. I'll never be a proper hippie.

If you have long hair, enjoy it. Don't take it for granted. As Abraham Lincoln once said, "You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!"