Your phone has three programmed ringtones: one for unknown numbers (aka debt collectors and European boyfriends/girlfriends), one for your best friends (that way you don’t have to hesitate before answering the phone with a wildly inappropriate insult) and one for your mom (mine is the chorus of the 1982 Hall and Oates hit “Maneater”).

Mom calls are a part of everyone’s lives. Mom calls don’t care that you just did a keg stand at 3 in the afternoon or that you have finally discovered the courage to say “hey” to the film class hottie.

This is your mom calling you, and if you don’t answer her now she will leave a voicemail asking you why she pays for this cell phone if you are just using it to ignore her calls.

Not all moms are created equal. There are cool moms, moms that think they are cool but really just wear too much Ed Hardy, painfully religious and conservative moms, moms that always call you by your sister’s name, moms that always call you by your cat’s name, moms that were once dads and moms that you still live with. God bless your little heart, soldier.

Maybe your mom is the type to call you every time your tracking device alerts her of movement, or maybe she just calls you when there is a sale or one of your brothers has pissed her off.

Perhaps you are strange like me and obsessively call your mom several times a day or whenever you see a cloud or a patch of arm hair that is shaped just like your family’s schnauzer. You would be surprised how common those are.

Just like an emergency situation, there is a protocol to follow when presented with the dilemma of a mom call.

First, assess the situation. How loud is the speaker on your phone? Will everyone around you hear her ask about your rash?

Second, take a deep breath. Exhale whatever it is your have just inhaled and hum a bar or two of “Gangsta’s Paradise.” I find that has an eerie calming effect on me.

Third, try a few practice “hellos.” Focus on not sounding like you skipped all of your classes today and just ate an entire package of cheese goldfish and a two-liter of Coke Zero for dinner.

During the call, remember to ask her questions — she likes that and it steers her away from asking you questions about your hygiene practices and financial problems, which have now become the same issue in a way that you never thought was possible.

Remember to tell her at least one really responsible thing you have done lately. If you are running out of ideas, because, honestly how many times a week can you lie about doing your laundry, pretend you are a prophet.

Say things like, “I feel really good about that statistics quiz,” or “I think I’m going to go for a jog after I call Grandma.”

Sure, you slept through the quiz and accidentally traded your running shoes for a pack of gum at a party last weekend, but the woman does not need to know that!

She is fragile and also full of rage, a lethal combination that has the power to make you bite a knuckle to keep from tearing up in public.

At the end of the phone call, you are going to need to suck it up and tell her that you love her.

If you need money, tell her that you miss her.

I know that sounds terrible, but it’s a cold, ugly world out there and you really need new sunglasses.

Congratulations, you did it! You survived yet another mom call with all of your limbs intact. Celebrate while you can because you never know when she could strike again.

Oh no, is that your phone ringing again? She forgot to tell about last night’s episode of “Designed to Sell”? Whoa, here she comes ...