The “Twilight” series is a powerful metaphor for relationships, all right — consider it a parable on the danger of unhealthy psychological attachments. Which relationship is that, you ask? Pick one.

Trouble is, I don’t think anyone involved with the preternaturally popular franchise based on the novels by Stephenie Meyer gets that. In “The Twilight Saga: New Moon,” moody high schooler Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart, “Adventureland”) is rejected by the love of her life, vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson, “Little Ashes”), when he and his family must leave small-town Forks, Wash., for mysterious reasons.

Bella’s world crashes, and she is wracked with gut-wrenching nightmares and haunted by a cheesy CGI pixie dust version of Edward.

Fortunately, she finds comfort in the brawny arms of her friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner, “Cheaper by the Dozen 2”), but as quickly as she’s launched herself into another world-encompassing relationship, he rebuffs her advances, citing a terrible secret.

Cue round two of the hollow-eyed depression, screaming fits and a general series of angsty histrionics.

There’s such a great model of relationship dynamics here — whether she’s on Team Edward or Team Jacob right now, the impressionable tween “Twilight” fan is going to be on Team Codependency in a few years.

Soon enough, Bella discovers there are werewolves (some of the worst CGI in a major film in some time) lurking in Forks who are sworn enemies of the vampires, but have a treaty in place that prevents chaos and bloodshed. But fortunately for Bella’s fragile little heartstrings, both Edward and Jacob are soon back in her presence on their figurative knees, looking to get back in her life.

Director Chris Weitz already ran one franchise into the ground with “The Golden Compass,” which had a planned series of sequels until Weitz’s film flopped hard. It appears he’s trying to repeat the feat with his tone-deaf, all-over-the-place incompetent entry into the series, but it’ll hardly matter with “Twilight’s” built-in audience. (He won’t be back, as “30 Days of Night” director David Slade helmed the next entry, “Eclipse.”)

Weitz opts for super slow motion every time there’s a whiff of action, and his direction to his actors seems to consist of advising them to speak haltingly with a blank stare on their faces — this two-hour-plus film could’ve easily wrapped in under 90 minutes if these people would stop pausing so much and just spit it out.

Stewart, who’s a capable actress, gets buried under the crushing stupidity and fickleness of her character, while Pattinson, who’s considering giving up acting after the “Twilight” series, would do well to pull the trigger on that plan — impeccable brooding does not an actor make.

Lautner, who’s topless in “New Moon” so much, it seems he thought he was making a movie set on the beach, gives a bluntly one-note performance, but is a serviceable piece of beefcake, at least according to the bevy of teenage squeals that accompanied his every appearance at the advance screening I attended.

Elsewhere in the film, the fabulous Michael Sheen (“The Damned United”) slums it up as the leader of vampire tribunal the Volturi, and Dakota Fanning (“Push”) makes a mercifully brief appearance as Jane, one of the Volturi guards.

“New Moon” plods along with no sense of pace, fueled by the hormonally-charged script by Melissa Rosenberg that likes to draw a comparison between its tale and “Romeo and Juliet.” Sure, and Rob Pattinson is the spitting image of Bela Lugosi.